it feels like i'll never be able to talk to him for long. i know i wont be talking much, but what makes me happy is just listening to his voice. being able to hear his voice at the end of the day really helps me alot.
i used to say, its okay if you can't call me. or i dont mind you doing this/that. but after so long, i realized that i don't mean it at all. i don't mean it when i say its okay if he can't call me. i don't mean it when i say i dont mind him doing this/that.
in the past, i thought that bu talking about his ex and his past means i'm being generous. i thought that making friends with his ex means i'm friendly and not easily affected by his past. i thought that by not replacing the stuffs she bought him means i'm not being selfish. but i was wrong. i cannot make myself be as generous as i thought i could be. i couldn't make myself un-selfish as i thought i could be. i couldn't be as friendly as i thought i could.
i am selfish. very selfish. talking about her and his past hurts me. everyday, my mind wander. afraid that he would leave me one day. afraid that one day, another girl would take him away from me. i thought that by making friends with his poly mates would make me seem like a better person and not someone that stole him away from her. but it didn't work.
idk if he's giving me enough sense of security. i see him once a wk, 10 hrs max. it isn't enough. maybe it's my sensitivity to be blamed.
i rest my case.